Do you ever feel like there are far too many things in disarray in your life that you just want to ditch everything and start over? Me? Every other day. In my entire life, it has been a cycle of good, → wrong → reset. Let me illustrate.
In my younger Christian years, after a feel-good service on a Sunday, I come home feeling like a blank slate, a righteous person ready to conquer the world. A few minutes later, I miss something, or someone else misses something, and I get angry. My mom has always been good at reminding everyone in the house of their failures. And I was never exempt from that, far from it. And being angry was failing at something, primarily mom’s expectation of a perfect Christian daughter. As a result, I’ve had this nagging in my head that when I’m angry at something or someone, it meant I’m hypocritical to have let something so small change me. And I end up feeling guilty about it and apologising about literally everything. Then I would end up hating myself more than I already did. I would then do bad things since I’m already bad. I would think of all evil thoughts against everyone, myself primarily. At some point in time, usually, when I hear a feel-good sermon or watch a feel-good movie, I would decide to reset by repenting, asking God’s forgiveness and making a promise that I would be good. And, not surprisingly, I’d lose faith in myself as I fail over and over that I just give up and go into depression. That’s what my entire life has been in a nutshell.
I can see this cycle in handling my stuff, too, my things and my engagements.
I like to try new gadgets. So I buy the latest technology I can afford. Before I even know it, random stuff would fill my room. Many of which I either have only used once or never unpacked at all. This is when things start to go wrong for me, and I spend a significant time decluttering as a form of reset. As a result, I would be constantly stressed and exhausted. I end up running away and hiding in video games. This act only prolongs the inevitable, and I wake up every day to a pile of mess which is a constant reminder in my head of how bad I am. After some reflection, whether intentional, I somehow get the urge back to continue decluttering, but by then, another pile has already started to grow.
Even my mind is in disarray right now, and I can’t seem to get my point across.
There is that something that I want. When I fail, I want to find the peace in my heart to forgive myself and not let my failures define me. When my stuff and schedule gets cluttered up, I want the strength to clear up what needs to be cleared without procrastinating and ending up with more responsibilities. I want to stop the constant exhaustion caused by circumstances that are outside of me.
I just want peace. I want a proper reset that doesn’t involve more responsibilities. Funny enough, I do know how to get what I want. I have seen proof of this in my life so many times.
In Luke 10:38-42 is a story of two sisters. Martha and Mary. Martha was in visible disarray, doing so much that she was exhausted while Mary was sitting at Jesus’ feet hearing His Word. What Jesus said about this is something I need to be constantly reminded of.
He said, “Martha, Martha, you are worried and troubled about many things. But one thing is needed…”
This is the reset I need. The one thing that gives me peace no amount of repenting and decluttering can ever do is hearing Him. Hearing Him give up His life to pay for all my failures so that they no longer define me and all the clutter in my life that I no longer have to clean up to be at peace. He is the peace, and beholding Jesus, is what gives me life and power to do the things I normally can’t do by just trying.
If you’re like me, try this.